the pain...the tragedy...the curse....my life.

to dhen.

ceryoso ako...
until now...
do ko pa rin makuha tiwala nya
puso nya...
especially her love for me...
grabe...
if only hinde ako nagpaka tanga tanga...
hinde sana cia nawala sa...
sigh*
i dont care if marami ciang kasalanan saken...
i dont care if sinaktan nia ako ng todo...
i dont care if lagi ako tablado sa kanya..
tangap ko eveything about her...
thats one thing thats hard to earn.
iba pa rin pag mahal mo ryte?
you learn how to forgive..
and everytime i see her...
lahat ng ikanasakit ko galing sa kanya nawawala....
how many months has it been since we broke up?
hinde ko na mabilang...
all i know its been long enough.
pero mahal ko pa rin.
all this time i did everything to be with her again.
everything...
so far i only became a friend...
to be honest im happy that i became her friend...
but still...
mahal ko cia. sobra...
i want to be more than a friend to her.
i miss her kisses
i miss her hugs
i miss her voice
i miss her smell
i miss everything about her.
now she loves some other guy...
i cant do anything to stop that..
only to support her.
how does this make feel now...
galet...of course...gusto ko magwala..
after doing everything she wants for months...
hirap, sakit, pagod....lahat na experience ko na just for her...
after giving her gifts, care and love.
and yet its not enough....
kaasar...
i feel like giving up...
d ko na talaga alam...
but theres still something inside me that wants to keep fighting...
and theres something about her...
that makes me think that theres hope!
na kaya ko pa!
that theres always a way...
cguro nga...haggang dto na nga lang.....
damn i hate my limits...
pero...like i said...
mahal ko cia...and hinde mawawala yun.
im sure of it...
i love you desiree alarcon.
always, forever.
i hope you read this.
i hope you understand how i feel.

gifts and curses (i tried to be strong) [some people are just messed up]

"i cant keep on fighting anymore."

i cant believe that this actually happened to me. but its so fucked up ut hurts so bad....i mean this feeling of heartbrokened is much more different than before.

so yeah....i did given up with love life way long back before. and so...i sort of asked god that...if am to be loved with an opposite sex...ill wait for her. and i will love her. because thats who i am. whener i fall in love, ill love her for who she is and ill love her like theres no tomorrow.

her name is Desiree Alarcon. a girl who has a high pride and always conceited. she came to me as a friend. i didnt even do anything to ask her out. shes the one who did. at first she wanted to be friends. that when i realized that maybe she is the one that i had been waiting for...so i forced myself to ask her and we eventually did. i even said to myslef that i know that one day pain suffering will come, i still took the risk. i wanted to brake it off while its still early, but the more the days come by with her the more i realize that she is the one. so we made promises to each other that out future will be the best for our relationship. and i said to myself that this time im keeping my promises.

first stages of love are the sweetest...nothing can replace them...but it seems that life keeps playing tricks. tricks that can hurt really bad i may want you to end your own life.

i dont know why her past came back. an EX has to come and bother her and asked her to go back out with her. she said yes...and told me 2 weeks after that. during those 2 weeksm shes starting to show that she doesnt want me anymore but still keep playing games iwth me. well of course i would get mad and brake it off. which i did but i didnt brake it off...after 3 days she confess to me shes the one who broke it off with her new guy beside her. how fucked up is that?

sigh....

i was even my birthday...some birthday gift huh?

anyways...i tried to her take back...did everything...said everything...even said some things that i just realized how much i love her right when i was talking to her. no wait....texting her. i mean....now i know how it feels whens theres a 3rd party. to be honest...IT REALLY HURTS SO BAD.

right now...im waiting for her text...and still hoping that there is something still going to happen to us. but i proved to myself that the more i expect, the more is not going to happen. the the least expect it...something worse is even gonna happen. i mean. proved it more than once. and damn...im having some fucked up life.

i cant believe how hard i am. i took all the pain and suffering just for her, and she still didnt realize that. sigh...why does the world have to be so fucked up. a question which we just keep asking to ourselves when something fucked happens to us.

my only sin is that i wasnt enough for her thats why she left me. if i was...this wouldnt even happen in the first place...she would forget the past and think about the present and future with me. and laso that my only regret is that maybe i didnt get my priveleges to her like sex and other stuff. but it doesnt really matter now.

im going to stop this now. im so tired. now physically tired. im tired of love. im tired of everything about it....

times like this, i just keep asking god when im going to die.
if only god can also send you a text message.

END!!!

the new year (under the apple tree) [i want you to love me, i want you to leave me]

"let it fly away"

its been awhile, but here i am making an entry. well this is my first entry of the year.

why am i making a post? well i just to type out what i had last year and what the hell is going on with me this year.

last year a lot of shit happened to me which i didnt like and made me eel like i want to die, again. but some good things happened which i am really glad about it.

i graduated with some really great friends.
i met some friends that made feel like im 17 again.
i got to go bagiuo which i really had fun.
i got to go to guam finally.
i met someone i fell in love with.

i guess thats it.

before the year 2007, im glad that everything that made feel pain and suering last year just all closed. i mean, i dont have to worry about it. maybe some stuff but thins that i really worried about just passed away. hooray.

now comes 2008.

AGAIN FAITH IS KILLING ME AND TAKING EVERYTHING AGAIN AWAY FROM ME. EVERYTHING THATS MAKING ME TO LIVE MY LIFE. AND AGAIN, IS SLOWING HURTING ME AGAIN. MAKING ME WANT TO DIE. AGAIN!

first my friend Ace. dont want to accept me as a friend.
now my girlfriend thats slowly fading and going away from me.
the worse of all is the stuff that my family and friends worked so hard just to give me something and its all breaking away.

what the hell man. am i really that un-deserving? damn.
what does it take huh? just so i can die and stop all the misery.

WHAT?!

nothing i do is right.
nothing i work so hard for stays.

nothing gold can stay.

END!!!

hardcore dreams (fall back into my life) [blood and cold)

"im in your heart tonight" i just need to take this out. its been bothering me the whole day. adn it just keeps getting worse. i wish makinga n entry about this can help. i had this crazy ass dream. i think dream is like something i want to happened some time in the future but i know its never gonna happen. on this dream, im back with my ex and im reunited with my bestfriend. everything is cool. i mean, i think there snothing wrong about this dream. its like a dream that you really want to happen in real life. but still it got me thiinking. why? cuz my nose was bleeding hardcore when i woke up. maybe i just digged my nose too much...but...its too much blleding for that. i didnt know that some dreams can make you nose bleed. hah. i think this dream is telling me that im still stuck in the past. and im still not moving on. yeah i know. guam was the shit, it was the best times five years ago. we were young, worry free and teenage love was the shit. people are telling to move on and start looking into my future...how do you exactly do that? i miss guam, heck i miss my friends...maybe i was pulled too much and didnt say a proper farewell to them. like graduate high school, talk about what were going to do for the rest of our lives, cry over our shoulders and say "so long". i didnt get to do that. i didnt have the chance. i still know why im so mad about this. i cant really tell if im trying to move on or not. or maybe i really to do those things again 5 years ago. man, 5 years seems so short for me. feels like it was just yeterday. how can i bring back the old times if some people in the cast are missing? or went on their on ways and trying to live life until they die. looks like im the only one left in the cast. man i hate the philippines.it sucks here bro. i wonder hows everyone doing on their side. hah, im thinking WAY too hard again! END!!!

[seein red] (ebony and ivory) backstabbers and feeling sorry.

"now its time to make a choice"

im suprised at myself that i took out everything and said everything that iwas keeping inside of me. but still...my friends dont know yet but i of them do...or two of them...Nino is a new freinds to the gang and damn...i know how Nino is when it to making stories and shit. jee, i dont care..thats him you know...gotta live it with it.

the gang doesnt really like him...only Mark and Guian. Mark was the who introduces nino to the gang and guian doesnt really know what the hell is going on since now he works...but the rest doesnt like and they like to talk shit in his back. its not that i dont mind backstabbing but damn, these guys know how to backstab good. and i mean when they backstab..its gonna hurt!

i told Nino about what they say about him...Nino said that if thats how they treat me then fine...he also said that theyre just there and i dont give a damn about them. i said that Mark and Guian are the only one who doesnt talk shit about him...

i know that they also talk shit in my back..it cant be avoided...these guys talk shit in their back from one another.. some friends huh? its funny how they can still put smiles to each one another like nothing was told.

you know i decided to leave these guys slowly. i know i can do this. its hard because they are my only friends here in P.I. i can find more friends if i want to...but im having a hard time making new ones maybe because one: im shy. two : im scared and  three: i have nothing to prove. i wanna really leave this guys. its not like they are going to miss me.

yes..they are back together...and they are showing their affection to everybody again. does this affect me? yes it does...i have no IDEA why! maybe im jealous and i feel like breaking them up. i used to remember i tried to bring them back together...if only i didnt fall in love with the girl then everything wouldve been fine. right now..(ill admit it) its really affecting me.

to be honest...i felt sorry for Mark. im might be wrong but...Mark cant move one as long is his GF is always around. when they broke up...Mark tried to check out another girl and her GF is still in the scene...trying to say to the girl that to take care of him and shit. damn! isnt that annoying? of course the girl will get turned off at Mark. and still...GF is still around and still want to be with Mark. they are back together now. now shes show off. its all over ger face saying all her hard work and crying is all paid off. the GF really needs move on. seriioulsy. doesnt she feel sorry for Mark? theyre both young and the world is big full of people, its impossible not to meet anyone for love.

see what love can really do to you? its worse than drugs, both in a good way and in a bad way.

i want to tell Mark about this. but i think its up to him to figure out. maybe ill just give him ideas. maybe ill show him this entry? ahh who cares...only me and Nino know about this..and ill think im planning to keep it this way.

maybe on my next entry...the first sentence would be "so here i am. all alone agian"

damnit i cant wait to go mainland and see justin and royce.i want to leave this shit country...this countrsy is holding me back. there might not be any racist here but damn!

BACKSTABBERS!!!

seriously.

END!!!

A message to remind me to stop being blind.

are you blind too?

"devils cry and even angels have one
wish"

we dont know that cuz we dont see
angels and devils.
but we somehow feel that there is...

so...

once in your life you gotta stop being
stupid and blind and take the
opportunities that you have right in
front of your face.

this message is to REMIND you, that the
world is big and you could have the
chance to see it.

dont be like the people that you met
who f@cked you over. because those
people are stupid and blind.

move on!!! yes it takes time...

things are better off clueless [please tell me] (time after time]

"even angels have one wish" well...im back home now.too bad i didnt continue my little diary about my little aventure...haha, its not like anything good happen in my little adventure. well i did meet a girl whos from guam. shes cool. but yeah...okay what? hahaha. funny how things work out when time passes by...i still remember that it was just yesterday when PWAGFAN and I fought over something that doesnt even make any sense and just kept getting worse when i talk about it more. so here we are 3-4 months later.we ARE friends now...like nothing happened. well yeah i followed her stupid advice and you know...foregt about everything that happened to us and start all over. easier said than done but i still manage to do it. so everything is good between us if i keep it this way. a close friend of mine fell in love with her the same way I did to her. its so fucking stupid cuz he didnt listen a word that i said about PWAGFAN. but hey, who can blame him? the girl is beautiful and fun to be with AND ALSO, the only girl that we see in uor little gang. everybody end up liking her! but when i got back i just heard the news that they broke up, cuz you know why? PWAGFAN's heart only belongs to one person, thats she becomes fucked up to other guys and now my friend is sharing the same pain as i did months ago. and i wasnt EVEN shock about this! because i already know its going to happen. a lot of guys like her. but she dumped those guys so she can just try to get back with her ex. and guess what? they are back together! i wasnt even SUPRISED about this. because cmon. these two are like partners! like the dynamic duo, batman and robin, beavis and butthead, chuck and larry, WWE tag team champions. youcan never break this guys up. its too bad...hahaha...the world is so big and huge and they need to realize that... and i also need to realize that too...i think hanging out with these guys is what holding me back. on my little journey, i had the chance to move on with my life and do something my life...except fate didnt want there..money problems. anyways...i think this time i have to move on and pull myself out from my friends here. stop being blind like PWAGFAN and check all those oppurtunities that have right in front of my face. i am looking for an inspiration, Justin and Royce is working hard to pull me out and imnot doing my part. the two of them is ENOUGH to inspire me. i just need to put that in my head. WISH ME LUCK FUCKERS cuz im going to need it. END!!!.

(define) humiliation [worst summer yet]

"failing again, so just leave me alone"

yup, its forth of july, and yes, theres no fire works here in p.i., it sucks i know. haha...

summer is over! yeah i know, in here, summer has been over for over a month now. so what happened to me this summer of 2007? maybe the only good thing that happened to me this summer is finding friends...great friends actually, but ryte now...i feel like i dont belong with these guys and im better off alone. i hate being alone....i think this summer has really been the worst summer yet for me. the owrd "humiliation" is what describe my summer this year.

summer is over and fuck i still dont have a job. damn it...im really tired of this...what the hell am i doing wrong? is the way i look? is it the way act? what the fuck man...im suppose to have a job right now! now im starting to regret that job i turned down on that call center agency...i could be rich right now! i could have a car! haha but no...i turned down the goddamn job. why? hmm...

is it because i met some new friends sho showed me my old life?

or is it because i fell in love?

OR IS IT BECAUSE IM JUST THAT FUCKING STUPID?!

anyhow...

before the summer, i met a girl whom i fell in love with and made me feel like i can fall in love again...wrong! thats all true buts uts too bad shes the wrong girl i messed with...and in the end, she just humiliated me. to people whom i made impressions with. and now...i feel like embarresed to those people whenever they talk about her, whenever they ask me questions about me and her, and also whenever shes is around. man! what the fuck! buts its cool, i made the mistake and i might as well have the burden for making that mistake.

yes...i failed, yes...i feel like miserable when people ask me about it, and yes...i suck at it.

one thing i realized on this little experience is that....i dont learn form my mistakes...yeah...on any kind of aspect...people say that you learn from your mistakes but not me...its sucks i know. but hell, this is me right? fuck... i just keep losing and i never win. not once.

about this friends i met this summer...im starting to think that i dont belong to them...idk why...but im starting to feel like im out of place. one of the even sais that im an official memeber of their little group...or friendship...or whatever....but now...they exclude to their plans, do they think im that stupid? do they think im that blind not to see whats going on?...i even act like im not affected by it...heh...wierd...maybe thats just it...im cool at first and freakin lame in the end. its not like this has not happened to me before. OR MAYBE, is it beacuse that big controversy i made with katherine. what the fuck man!
haha...funny...i even made a video for them...

and also this summer im suppose to go to guam for 2 weeks...or probabaly forever or something...i was decided to join the U.S. Navy so i can just go to guam..this was my last resort, and still...idk why but somehow god doesnt want me to step foot on guam anymore. why? i mean...at least just one minute, actually, im only asking for 1 second to be in guam...what the fuck man! its that too much to ask? so yeah! got my ticket and shit, fixed some papers and i packed my bags. when i got to the airport....i was cockblocked my the people form the immigration. why do they have to be so mean and just throw me away just like that? i was humiliated at the airport and fuck...was i traumatized because of that...so who are the people to blame about this? my parents and those fuckers from the navy. fuck you guys. really! FUCK YOU!

so thats it...that was my summer of 2007. shit... fun huh? yup...
im going to end this. i only made an entry to recap and practice typing for my job interview and test tomorrow...
to those poeple i mentioned to this enrty...

i have all the reasons to hate every each one of you...
but there is one...ONE reason why i cant.

dont ask me what it is.

END!!!

(stolen) (runaway) why did you do that?

"hold it againts me"

a message for you. the person with music genre for a name.

hmm..why did you that? are we still enemies? im telling you now why i started coming back again...thats because i want to see you...i know youre busy and all...but i know that one day i will see you again with your smile.

its funny how you made an excuse just to leave right away. its somehow reminds me of myself...you just saw me and then you said you had to go. you wasted money and time just to do that? we're you even thinking? i bet you didnt. you came with that smile and then after you saw me in the back, you just feel like you want to leave....are you giving me a chance to be with them? yes? how thoughtful of you. no? then what the fuck? youre wierd.

i thought we're done? was our fight really made it worse? im sorry but but i had to that so i can stop myself from making it even worse. to be honest...i made that fight in purpose.

after what you just did, you made realize that there is no more hope for us nor any more contact between us...i was right...you dont exist to each other anymore...how sad. im sad. sad about this.

its also funny that, when you were gone, they talk shit about you in your back. i didnt even hear any positive things about you from them. and still you came back...does this make you happy? does this make your day? or is it that you are still in love? hoping that you can bring that "love" of yours back to what it used to be to you?

so what now?

how long do we keep this?

more questions...

hmmm...
you know what? im happy tonight because i saw you with your smile...
thank you, for gracing me with your presence...
i think im staisfied.

(good times, old times) if only you could see me now [tiger lily]

"the past flashing before my eyes"

man...today is just..idk...its kinda like old times...which made me really happy and stuff...today is just great and i think ill never forget this day...maybe haha..
well anyways...

this morning i woke up, my dad told me my friend guian called...so called back. guian told me to go to the freedom park because theres a job fair and shit, when i got there there was no job fair! i was kinda pissed knowing that and i wasted money and time... i went home and played DOTA while waiting for ace so we could skate back at the freedom park. when we got there we waited for junior...he was taking so long we ace and i just skated. junior came and we tired so fast and those fuckers who work at freedom park didnt turn on the street lights becuase there was an event at the park...so we just kicked back...mark and the others came and we kicked back some more. ace went home and give my money to go home. i was a little pissed but its okay cuz  i still have money...we got so bored until the bands started playing. so we went in the crowd and then...

I MOSHED! hahaha! it was crazy...i just went in...and started jumping around and pushing people...it was crazy...i mean..its been a long time since the last time i moshed...hahaha...when i was moshing...all i clould think about is the thrill and the joy of singing along while moshing...it was just like old times..old times...thats what made me happy today...and oh yeah...i took of my shirt while moshing! hahah! first time!

maybe the last time i moshed was at that party back in guam where my band was suppose to play...but judge chickened out...haha...anyways it that same night where i really fell in love to brenda...i mean..check this out...i just finished moshing  and i went out all sweaty and shit...i saw brenda and the others...brenda just went up to me and wiped my sweat with her hands! haha!...ill say this...who will just wipe your sweat with their hands? haha!

anyways...todays moshing was really different....moshing today was really sentimental to me this time...after mosihng today all i could think about was the past...i was so young back then and then my friends and i will go to punk bands event and mosh...i always use to do that every saturday back then...haha...yea...good times...good times...

and yes...i maybe old now...but i still got it...when theres moshing...my mind is going to "crazy mode" and just enjoi the music and jump around.! sing along and push people around! hahaha.....and of course.... i will do it again until the day i die....

also...i kind of realized that im still that "allan" or "turkey" back 3 years ago...just old...i thought i changed...but im still that guy...hmm...somehow...i dont think will change this...this is me...for eternity.

"catching my breath...all sweaty...my hands are on my knees...my eyes are closed...and i have a big smile on my face...while the band is singing inside through my head..."

to justin, to jordan and neal...to those who i use to share this back 3 years ago...and also...to those girls who i had bad relationships with...
IF ONLY YOU COULD SEE ME NOW!!!!

END!!!